36. The Bifurcated Octopus

June 5, 2008

In addition to buying vending machine takoyaki, you can now buy a fully bifurcated octopus for roughly $20 US.

The benefits of purchasing a mid-sagittal plane cut of octopus are myriad: this option gives you a good amount of tentacles and promotes a feeling of conviviality, as if you are buying a pet or a friend.

The Bifurcated Octopus is also superior to pre-packaged tentacles sold in vending machines; it has not been cross-contaminated with other vending machine favourites, such as magnum-free condoms or used underwear.

The only caveat is this. Despite the simulacrum of life you are seeing here, this product is dead. You cannot go home and put it in a tank or name it Joe. Your only option is to eat it with a palliative mayonnaise or five pounds of pancake batter.

Sadly, the transverse-plane cut was not available. We must wait in silence for the day that octopus is sold as an intact head or a sequence of arms.


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