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19. The Coffee Jelly Frappuccino

May 8, 2008

Is Starbucks capable of a culinary abortion?

Yes–the coffee magnate is not immune. In fact, Starbucks has not one, but several little abominations under its belt. Most are in Japan. Here, the days of saccharine caramel lattes and aromatic espressos have been replaced with bean abortions and vegetable violations (soon to come).

But our current focus is on The Coffee Jelly Frappuccino. Few words need to be said. Japan foresees a market for jelly; this market may include bubble tea aficionados or Eliot Spitzer, but for the average coffee drinker, jelly fails. Caffeine should never be delivered in a gel form; this renders a simple adult indulgence ludicrous, petty, and even perverse.

As one consumer puts it “it’s like drinking blood clots”.1

Perhaps a vampire would like this drink–OR it could be a salve for bleeding women in a menstrual hut off of Waimea Falls, Hawaii. Normal humans should logically veer away.

1. G.Grisé. Starbucks and You: The Leukocyte Connection. 2008. Plasma Publishers: Brooklyn, NY.

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5 comments

  1. i’d drink that clots and all.


  2. […] Japan has really done it now. First the Coffee Jelly Frappuccino and now […]


  3. The coffee jelly frap has actually been available here, in the Philippines, for the longest time now and is actually quite good…don’t knock it ’til you’ve tries it. 😉


  4. this is 100% vile.


  5. […] You are correct: what you see here is actually JELLO. In a can. This drink (purposely) turns to jelly when you shake it for ten seconds. Fanta Japan, not unlike Starbucks Japan, foresees a market for these types of let-downs. […]



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