19. The Coffee Jelly FrappuccinoMay 8, 2008
Is Starbucks capable of a culinary abortion?
Yes–the coffee magnate is not immune. In fact, Starbucks has not one, but several little abominations under its belt. Most are in Japan. Here, the days of saccharine caramel lattes and aromatic espressos have been replaced with bean abortions and vegetable violations (soon to come).
But our current focus is on The Coffee Jelly Frappuccino. Few words need to be said. Japan foresees a market for jelly; this market may include bubble tea aficionados or Eliot Spitzer, but for the average coffee drinker, jelly fails. Caffeine should never be delivered in a gel form; this renders a simple adult indulgence ludicrous, petty, and even perverse.
As one consumer puts it “it’s like drinking blood clots”.1
Perhaps a vampire would like this drink–OR it could be a salve for bleeding women in a menstrual hut off of Waimea Falls, Hawaii. Normal humans should logically veer away.
1. G.Grisé. Starbucks and You: The Leukocyte Connection. 2008. Plasma Publishers: Brooklyn, NY.