18. The Ice Dog

May 7, 2008

Any Japan-O-Phile will know that Osaka is the birthplace of the culinary abortion. More sensory violations occur in Osaka than in any other place in the world. This is because Osaka is the “creative” heart of the already めずらしい Japan; alternatively, it is because Osaka is home to America Town, a bleak subdivision where washed-out teens listen to Avril Lavigne, wear pink converse shoes, and bask in the empty glory that is the American Dream.

These individuals satisfy their hunger with “American” fusion foods that are in reality borderless miscarriages.

A prime example is the Ice Dog.

Here the American staple, the hot dog, is enmeshed with the Japanese staple, the softo-creamu. These two bodies meet to form a blastocyst of bad.

We have already discussed Japan’s two food textures, pillow soft and brick hard. The Ice Dog transcends these divisions since the wetness of the ice cream slackens already soft bread to the consistency of paper mache.

You should say no to this product. If you want to fit in, buy yourself a black and purple striped T and a Jamaican tri-colour belt. This is the national uniform of Japanese youth, especially those from America Town.



  1. Wasn’t this aberration already featured on the Simpsons episode where Marge attempts culinary supremacy over other housewives? Oksaka as the creative heart of Japan? I think not. Tsk tsk tsk.

  2. Your description of the two Japanese food textures shortchanges the importance of texture to the Japanese palate. The following entry from The Devil’s Food Dictionary (an entry not yet posted on http://www.devilsfooddictionary.com, but included in the upcoming book) takes on this issue:

    “TEXTURE: The tactile quality of something eaten, that is, its effect on teeth, tongue, and gums apart from flavor and temperature. Described with adjectives such as ‘crisp,’ ‘silky,’ and ‘grainy,’ or phrases like ‘furry on top but soft and slippery underneath,’ texture plays a more important role in some cultures than others. Japanese cuisine, for example, consists entirely of texture plus rice vinegar.”

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