15. Doritos “Pizza”

April 28, 2008

This concept is rich: three bags of chips in a uni-wrapper so large it conveys the sense of a hot Italian meal. What you do receive is a mélange of unpopular dorito flavours acting as an unconvincing surrogate for pizza.

The pen pictured here is for size reference. One really does get a bag (or box?) the size of a pizza. This makes for a transportation hassle–not to mention embarrassment–as all the world will see you going home with a tray of chips lying prostrate in your outstretched arms.

Your best bet to avoid humiliation is to wear shades and take a cab home.

And when you arrive, you will realize that what you are eating tastes nothing like pizza. That is if you make it through all three flavours; most will stop at Tomato Basil. The “Seafood” and much revered “Potato Mayonnaise” will be left uneaten. Any appeal “Potato Mayonnaise” ever had as a pizza topping is rendered fully impotent by a dorito crust.

At least the creators succeeded in naming their product. Oh, wait. Pizza La. Shouldn’t it be La Pizza? Is this an abortion of Italian as well? Of course, there is also the motto Pizza-La Made! to ponder. The Pizza made? By La? from Italy?

Too many questions remain unanswered.



  1. No, the creators got the name right. Pizza La‘s word order refers the 80’s US Cartoon, G.I. Joe. After a few seasons, a very confusing story about the origins of the Cobra organization was injected into the eyeballs of US children like so many syringes of bleach. Cobra now had an ultra-orthodox arm, Cobra-La, because megalomaniacal terrorists like “shangila” puns.

    Aw nuts. plot-traumatic stress disorder makes this too hard to write. The whole Cobra-La idea was a giant tacked-on monstrosity that all-but-killed the G.I. Joe franchise. If I were able to write about it all without getting depressed about how badly the show was gutted, I would have skillfully framed a joke. Pizza La, giant tacky monstrosity food for giant tacked-on plot monstrosities.

  2. pizza-la is japanese pizza chain, like dominos.

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