10. Calpis

April 20, 2008

The problems with Calpis are myriad. To begin, it makes a hypocrite out of an otherwise decent individual.

It is not vogue to say you like Calpis–yet, you will secretly like this drink; you will covet it like a squirrel covets a nut. The fact that it combines the taste of 7-Up with the consistency of buttermilk and is named after bovine urine will do nothing to change this.

So while shunning it in public, you will return to your apartment to drink it in subterfuge–fully aware of your culinary indiscretion.

Made arguably of fermented milk, chalk, glucose, and technetium 99m, there is nothing appreciable in this drink. Whether it be Calpis peach, Calpis grape, or the most formidable–Calpis water (pictured here) the results are the same.

As one consumer puts it

“It’s like the inventor of that little number had unauthorized access to my wildest nightmares.”1

Nonetheless, you will drink it. Especially on a dark, still evening, while writing a blog about its failures. Then you will beat yourself up over it for weeks, if not years, to follow.

1. R. Wong. Calpis: Your Bubble Tea is Not Benign. 2008. Facebook Press. Ontario, Canada: v 6, 55-98


One comment

  1. I knew I would be published someday.

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