4. Salty Caramel Lattes

April 4, 2008

You may be thinking that this drink is plausible. Likely, you remember joyous times spent with caramel popcorn, chocolate-coated pretzels, and other salty-sweet snacks that shatter sensory divides.

However, the true nature of the beast unearths itself when we eliminate useless filler words:

Salty Caramel Lattes

Since a latte is coffee, a medium to dark-brown drink containing caffeine, and salt is, salt, the real equation becomes

Salt + Caffeine

These two substances should never be mixed.

At least once, every child has discovered osmosis by cursorily salting a slug: within minutes, the wizened slug conforms to a puddle on the pavement, usually to be removed via pancake flipper a day later by the child’s father. Water travels to the surface of the slug’s skin to dilute the salt. Sadly, this leaves no water inside the slug’s body, and demise occurs. This same process happens in humans, only to be complicated by other diuretics such as caffeine.

But one does not need to be a nephrologist to understand why salting coffee is a bad idea. This is why companies like Starbucks and Second Cup traded their S & P shakers for the more innocuous cinnamon sugar, vanilla power, and week-old marshmallows.

While the aforementioned latte has mysteriously disappered from Tokyo sandwich boards, the company behind the Salty Caramel Latte is likely machinating – in the darkened bowels of a Chiba basement- the black pepper expresso and the lemongrass mocha.

Exercise caution.


One comment

  1. Your slug analogy is invalid; the Japanese populace is impervious to salinated solutions. Have you ever witnessed a nihonjin consuming H2O? In fact, I theorize that pure water is in fact anathema to them. Thus they imbibe only large quantities of dehydrating beverages such as caffeinated tea or shochu. As such, salty coffee has the potential to become the national beverage of choice.

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