61. Kraft Dinner Crackers

It’s official: Kraft Dinner was not convenient enough. For modern cosmopolites, KD was just too time-consuming. Too many steps were involved. Boiling, buttering, stirring, dumping. These tasks were irksome, if not exhaustive. Luckily, the savants at Kraft came up with a solution.

Carefully tailoring their product to the Modern Age, they successfully reached out to a new niche.

No longer must one boil lousy curlicues of durum. No longer must one struggle with powdered phosphorescent cheese.

With KD Crackers, one gets the nutritional damage of the original meal at a fraction of the labour time. This is truly a marketing breakthrough.

*Thank you to the fine photographer.

60. Crocheted Cake

Funded retirement now poses a dangerous threat to the industriousness of humankind.

When we consider the problems facing our world–carbon emissions, terrorism, HIV, hunger, crime, war, etc.–the fact that someone has time to crochet a cake is truly depressing.

This paucity of spirit would only be seen in affluent, Western nations. Developing countries do not have the time nor resources to crochet a cake. More importantly, they need to find food and survive.

One may go as far as labeling this abomination as the symbol of our Human Crisis.

How will we know when this Human Crisis is over?

When every individual in every country has the wealth, time and peace-of-mind to create a cloth cake.

In the meantime, this ostentatious display of leisure and status must be abolished. It is as tasteless as it is garrish.

*retarded item courtesy of etsy.com

59. Meatloaf

There was never a greater culinary anachronism than meatloaf.

Do people in the 21st century still eat this awkward centerpiece, and if so, why?

Modern health science has shed light on many discoveries: tobacco is carcinogenic, cocaine is not suitable for cough drops and the Atkins diet will lead to a quick demise. Where our better judgement fails, science intercedes.

A recent article in the National Post suggests that red meat is linked to cancer. Only Western nations consume high quantities of red meat, and this article is not the first to point to potential health risks. Chicken, fish, tofu: these are the cows of the 21st century. We must engage them. The Soda Shoppe age has come to an end, and with it, so has 1954.

No longer must we coat our arteries with butter; no longer must we accept heart disease as a given.

And, most importantly, no longer must we eat a loaf of meat, as if we were a nonagenarian with no better options.

Our parents’ parents may have cooked this up, but for us, there is no need. With the robust range of less nefarious options, we can consume protein without acting like an 92-year-old named Blanche.

The people eating this obscenity are likely still impressed by colour TV, washing machines and space travel.

*Picture courtesy of a superb photographer

57. Cookin’ with Dr. Pepper

Each individual may come to a fork in the road whereby decisions are tough.

Two paths may present themselves, but only one is the glowing, laudable choice. A crucial detour down down a boorish road may significantly stain one’s future.

Now let us apply the above allusion to its source: Cooking with Dr. Pepper. Never was there such a sinister tine–a path of grimness and woe.

This path can be ambushed. It is not too late to detour from the Cooking with Dr. Pepper route. It may take longer to arrive at your culinary destination, but your life may be spared, and your friends, preserved. Bold, promising choices will lie ahead.

There is no boiled potato made reverent by a splash of carbonated glee. There is no pot roast refurbished from a  marinade of caramel colouring and phosphoric acid.

The truth is that–bribes and subpoenas aside–one must occasionally make a choice between two important demoninators. Different factors may be weighed, some logical, some not. But Dr. Pepper should never be one of them. No weight should be assigned to this liquid grime.

Ultimately, meals should continue unabated by its flaws.

*Image courtesy of Gallery of Regrettable Food.

56. Tower O’ Icing

In the dark chamber of our world, there are seldom lights of hope, faith.

But pictured above is a sign that God is active among us.

What could signal His presence more than a tower o’ icing?

• He has come to us at last in the form of a stack of hydrogenated oil.
• He has proven that extraordinary powers can exist among ordinary oreos.
• He has been deified by his plain, biscuit peers.

‘You of little faith,’ he said, ‘why did you doubt?’
Bible, Matthew 14:31

*The author does not endorse any religion or its bastardization.

*Credits to the Creator.

55. Crown Jewel Dessert

In line with the previous thread, here is another example of how we can learn from the past.

History affords great error and miscalculation, but by documenting our mistakes, we only grow stronger.

“Mistakes” here within are defined as gelatinous cubes suspended in a pool of dairy.

For those who are insterested, this “dessert” was published in a Jell-O “cookbook” from the 1960s. Described as a “spectacular dessert that fits busy schedules,” or as a “stained glass cake” (let’s get honest here), this dessert appears to deserve justification. But we know better. Since the 1960s, lifestyles have become even more hectic and fast-paced. Yet the amount of people eating Jell-O cube cake has not increased.

If this is fare for the “busy schedule,” what would a relaxed schedule beget?

Perhaps we’ll be eating Jell-O slow roast or stuffed, marinated Jell-O with hints of tarragon.

The author is ill.

*Credits to the publisher of this picture

54. Crystal Pepsi

A common theme in the history of humanity is The Poor Decision.

At least once, every individual, society, country and clique is victimized by a paltry and ungoverned choice.

For Twentieth Century North America, this choice was Crystal Pepsi.

Plain and lethargic, Crystal Pepsi won the hearts of the simpleminded. With its lack of caffeine, taste and character, it was a safe choice, adhering to the convention of cola, but not rocking the boat too much.

For some, original Pepsi was too much to handle. It was stimulating, controversial (especially among dentists) and unorthodox. It was a grand beverage, delivering both taste and punch. Consequently, some genius at Pepsi decided to dilute it with water, strip it of its narcotic value and remove the caramel colouring that delightfully stained enamel. It was then re-named after a trite solid that gleams uselessly in Grandma’s dining room cabinet.

Great idea. Luckily it failed. But The Poor Decision is still circulating in society and we must be vigilant–lest it appears again.

53. Gelatinous Shrimp Mold

The “perpetrator of this crime” cannot be named as he is a nice man.

We will instead focus on his lack of culinary clout.

The image pictured above is so offsetting that the reader risks an acute case of permanent anorexia.

What’s known as aspik generally and seafood aspik specifically may be a technical definition for this term. According to some, aspik (or aspic) is a “wonderful garnish” for meats and other unicellular organisms (i.e. shrimps). But here is where a problem occurs: If gelatin is meant to supplement seafood, this could be disastrous. Consider the jellyfish. It’s not far off from what is pictured here. Next we’ll be eating jellyfish embedded in jell-o and accompanied by gelatin.

Finally, what happened to the far side of this mold? Did it implode? What is with the dip per se in the centre? Is one meant to dip the aspik in further aspik?

This only makes sense if such a move will cancel out the dish altogether.

52. Meat Sneaker

If this is “love,” the writer advocates hate.

Never has meat so crudely been sublimated to the realm of art.

PETA must be notified of this moral failure, as the voiceless cow behind this sneaker could not defend itself. To be slaughtered and converted to a cheeseburger is one thing, but this is another.

What carnivore is going to eat a shoe of meat? What wine will dovetail nicely with this laced abomination? Is it meant to be cooked? Grilled? Eaten raw–as pictured–in its nefarious and E.coli-ridden form?

And what is the purpose of the parsely garnish? No sprig can neutralize this horror and the nausea that it creates.

The writer is going on a long walk.

*Credits to the artist, Christina Kohl

51. Elvis Peanut Butter Cups

Considering that Elvis suffered from a binge eating disorder among other things, this hardly seems appropriate. As most fans of The King know, Elvis was dangerously fond of peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

And now some insensitive magnate at Reese has profited from his weakness.

Next we’ll see Kate Moss EZ purge Reese, Whitney Houston crack Reese, and Britney Spears’s limited edition Birth Control Reese.

Worse is the actual taste of these cups. A far cry from peanut butter and banana, this disaster tastes more like pediatric Benadryl laced with cobalt.

On the bright side, die-hard (no pun intended) fans can now emulate Elvis’s death through the use of these cups. A serving or two a day will lead to a quick demise, likely incorporating the same colon enlargement and heart arrhythmia suffered by The King himself.