62. Clubbed Seal

The Canadian government has now decided to politicize the 2010 Olympics by insisting that athletes wear sealskin ginch (or something of that nature).

While not a culinary abortion per se, this gesture speaks to the dearth of symbolism in the Lonely North: suffering from an identity crisis and unable to distinguish itself from its neighbours in the South, Canada has reached out for an icon. Be it seal.

Nothing says Canada like a blubbery mammal clubbed over the head with a wooden bat.

Now Canada’s Proud Athletes will be wearing this pathetic synecdoche.

Next we’ll see the McSeal burger and deep fried Seal calamari on all of Canada’s menus.

*image courtesy of the Hamilton Spectator

61. Kraft Dinner Crackers

It’s official: Kraft Dinner was not convenient enough. For modern cosmopolites, KD was just too time-consuming. Too many steps were involved. Boiling, buttering, stirring, dumping. These tasks were irksome, if not exhaustive. Luckily, the savants at Kraft came up with a solution.

Carefully tailoring their product to the Modern Age, they successfully reached out to a new niche.

No longer must one boil lousy curlicues of durum. No longer must one struggle with powdered phosphorescent cheese.

With KD Crackers, one gets the nutritional damage of the original meal at a fraction of the labour time. This is truly a marketing breakthrough.

*Thank you to the fine photographer.